When you hear the word 'forgiveness', what do you feel?
Forgiveness makes us uncomfortable. We cringe physically when we think about forgiving someone who has hurt us. We feel like forgiving means letting them off the hook, while we're the ones paying for their hurtful words and actions.
We play out a scene in our head of what it would look like for someone to apologize and admit their mistakes… and only then would we be ready and able to forgive. We're putting a moment that didn't happen on a pedestal. And thus we entrust our power to another person.
This keeps us in a prolonged state of anxiety, resentment, and heartache. We think we can bypass forgiveness because there never was an apology.
Although apologies are helpful for healing, they are not always guaranteed. You can't control what other people do or don't do.
When you wait for an apology or project high expectations of what it should look like, you allow another person's actions to have too much control over your healing. And even if an apology is given, it can never fully undo what happened.
1. Forgiveness is a process.
Forgiveness is not like following the exact route on your GPS to spend a Saturday at the beach. Tides. We can't rush or force it, but we can be willing to welcome its healing effects over time.
It doesn't feel right to jump straight from your breakup to a place of forgiveness. We need to process the sacred anger, rage, sadness and bitterness we feel.
Make a conscious choice to forgive internally whenever you are provoked or reminded of something painful. At first it may seem almost impossible. Remind yourself that it will be hard, but you love yourself.
Start with small moments where you put your hand on your heart and wish peace to the one who hurt you. You can start writing about your forgiveness in your journal. Write a letter of forgiveness (not to send) and then burn it.
Over time, forgiveness feels more natural and reflexive, but it still requires intention. Be gentle with yourself in the process.
2. Forgiveness is for you.
Forgiveness does not mean justifying, excusing, or belittling one's behavior and actions. And it's not about forgetting what happened or giving someone more chances.
Unlike reconciliation, forgiveness does not necessarily mean letting someone back into your life, although some people may choose this path to rebuild something stronger. But it requires a conscious commitment from both parties involved.
When we resist forgiveness and harbor resentment, the only person we hurt is ourselves. In my case, forgiveness was an act of self-love and acceptance.
Since I started forgiving and loving myself more, I have attracted more abundance, love and success.
Gratitude now radiates from me and has helped me align myself with connections, business opportunities and experiences that have been for my best.
The byproduct of forgiveness is an equally healing expression: compassion. When you forgive, you welcome the full compassionate presence as you release the chains of judgment, blame, and shame. You begin to see the situation or person with a more loving lens.
Feelings of anger and resentment slowly melt away as you see a side of yourself – someone who has also struggled, suffered and made mistakes. And you can't help but feel compassion for him, for yourself, and for anyone who has experienced pain because of pain caused by others.
Compassion is the antidote to the judgment that poisons our world and creates more suffering. It is the greatest gift we can give and receive.